I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
