So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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