I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
