And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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