Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
