THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
