and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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