just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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