I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
