another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
