I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
did i walk over a car last night?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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