I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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