ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
