there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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