so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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