I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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