I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
