cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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