just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
