so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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