you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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