Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
