I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I need a beard to bite.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
