I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
