Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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