I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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