So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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