What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
