I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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