I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Randomize
