Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
