I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
