Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
