You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
