I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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