I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
