final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
