I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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