found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
