the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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