running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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