Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
