I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
