Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
