filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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