Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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