judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
