Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I cannot find my penis.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
as a side note pls kill me
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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