shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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