I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
